2009年“最胡扯管理用语奖”

Every year at around this time I hand out awards for paradigm-shifting, best-in-class management guff. I had expected the 2009 Guff Awards to be a sorry affair, as the bullshit industry has been suffering its worst slump since the Great Depression. But as I went through my bullshit cupboard I was surprised and reassured by the quality of the material. Even in bad times, it seems, some managers can still push the envelope and go the extra mile. So, without more ado, I'm going to get on and hand out the prizes.
　　每年的这个时候，我都会为一些改变人们语言范式的最胡扯管理用语颁奖。由于胡话产业去年遭遇了自大萧条(Great Depression)以来最严重的衰退，我本以为2009年胡话奖的境况会格外惨淡。但翻阅了我的胡言乱语积累本后，我为这些素材的品质之高感到惊讶，由此打消了顾虑。看来，即使在萧条时期，一些管理人士仍能够挑战极限，再创新高。那我就此打住，开始一一颁奖。
　　The first is for the best noun pretending to be a verb. This is always a fiercely contested category, but in 2009 there was a clear winner: Neil McMahon, an oil analyst, told the Wall Street Journal that Exxon “might be able to change the industry structure forever and gap away from competitors”. McMahon has thus gapped away from competitors and scoops up the prize.
　　首先是 “最佳名词假扮动词奖”。该奖项向来竞争惨烈，但2009年的得主毫无争议：石油行业分析师尼尔•麦克马洪(Neil McMahon)。他对《华尔街日报》(Wall Street Journal)表示，埃克森(Exxon)“或许能永远地改变行业结构，并与竞争对手拉开差距(gap away from competitors)”。麦克马洪由此与其他竞争者拉开了差距，赢得该奖项。
　　The next award is for the most grating use of the preposition “up”. In previous years there have been some great entries here: to head up and to flag up. But this year's is more unusual. It comes from a persistent PR man who said in an unsolicited e-mail: “I wanted to circle up with you to make sure you had received my note below.” Curl up, I understand. Circle up, I don't.
　　下一个奖项要颁给对介词“up”最刺激的用法。前些年，该奖项出现过一些卓越的入围者：head up（带头），flag up（提出，强调）。但今年的获奖者更不寻常。它出自一位百折不挠的公关经理。他在一封主动出击的电子邮件中表示：“我想要围绕在您身边(circle up with you)，以确保您收到了我以下信函。”我理解curl up（蜷缩）的意思，但真不明白circle up是什么意思。
　　In 2009, firing people was a popular activity, and the best new term for describing it goes to Air New Zealand, which announced it would “disestablish up to 100 long-haul cabin crew positions”.
　　2009年，炒人鱿鱼是一种颇为流行的行为，而描述这种行为的最佳新名词奖，则要颁给新西兰航空公司(Air New Zealand)。该公司宣布，将“废除(disestablish)至多100个长途乘务员职位”。
　　It was also a year in which people often didn't have any idea what was going on. The award for the best new way of saying “I haven't got a clue” goes to a pharmaceutical manager who was heard to say: “I don't have a good optic on that at the moment.”
　　过去一年中，人们还常常对周遭发生的事情摸不着头脑。而表达“对此我毫无头绪”的最佳新说法奖，则要颁给一位制药业经理人——他说道；“目前我对此视线不佳(don't have a good optic)。”
　　It was not just bad things that managers found new words for. They could not even call good spades spades. This year I'm awarding a prize for unnecessary euphemism to Andrew Liveris, chief executive of Dow Chemical, when talking to analysts about various choices facing the company: “We have significant optionality,” he said.
　　管理人士们不但为坏事创造了新词汇，就连说好事时他们也做不到直抒胸臆。我将把今年的“不必要的委婉表达奖”颁给陶氏化学(Dow Chemical)首席执行官利伟诚(Andrew Liveris)。他在与分析师谈论公司面临的多种选择时称：“我们有相当大的可选择性(optionality)。”
　　One of my favourite awards every year is for the mixed metaphor. Sebastian Coe, who has won gold medals in the past for running, now wins another for this line in his platitude-rich autobiography The Winning Mind: “There are times when there is a need to dig deep and find another gear – while never losing sight of the bigger picture.” This three-way mixed metaphor so confuses the reader that it enables Coe to avoid saying anything at all.
　　年年都最受我青睐的奖项之一是“多重隐喻奖”。过去曾荣膺中跑金牌的塞巴斯蒂安•科(Sebastian Coe)在他那本满是陈词滥调的自传《胜者思维》(The Winning Mind)中的表现，为他在这一方面又赢得了一座奖杯。“有时候，有必要深入挖掘，发现下一套传动装置——同时永远不要忽视大局。”这个三重隐语让读者彻底晕头转向，让科做到了言之无物。
　　The prize for best staff notice goes to Nokia in its staff carpark in Peru. Over each parking space it says: “It is me who arrives here, early in the morning, hoping to change the world.” This shows how US evangelical corporate language travels to Finland and then to Peru and, as in Chinese whispers, what emerges at the end is like the original, only sillier.
　　“最佳员工通告奖”则授予诺基亚(Nokia)秘鲁员工停车场的告示。该公司在每一个停车位上方都贴着标语：“是我每天一早来到这里，希望改变世界。”这表明，美国福音教会式的企业语言是如何漂洋过海传到芬兰，接着辗转来到秘鲁的，正如中国人所言，照猫画虎反类犬。
　　The best company song this year is won hands down by Gazprom. A middle-aged Russian manager sings: “Don't bother trying, you'll never find a surer friend than Gazprom” – lyrics that manage to be both sinister and sentimental at the same time. It is all here: fur hats, key changes, deer running and cute kiddies peering into pipes. The effect is Borat, only more surreal. I urge you to watch it on YouTube.
　　今年的“最佳企业歌曲奖”被俄罗斯天然气工业股份公司(Gazprom)轻松摘得。一位中年俄罗斯经理唱道；“别再费心寻找，比Gazprom更可靠的朋友，你永远也找不到”——歌词成功地同时兼顾了险恶的用心和感伤的情绪。它具备了所有的元素：皮帽子、音调的变化、奔跑的鹿，以及可爱的孩子们朝管道里张望。其效果不谛是又一部《波拉特》(Borat)——只是更具超现实主义色彩。我劝你赶紧去YouTube上看看这部电影。
　　The award for best job title had many entries, as ever, but is won by a young woman journalist student (whose name I'm not revealing) who doesn't actually have a job yet, and so has put on her business card: “Life explorer, multimedia storyteller, experience architect.” If journalism were about telling it like it is, this would not be a good start; yet something tells me she may be a name to watch in 2010.
　　与以往一样，“最佳职位头衔奖”有众多入围者，但折桂者却是一名年轻的新闻系女生（我不会透露她的名字）。她自己目前还没有工作，却在名片上印着：“生活探索者、多媒体小说家、人生阅历建筑师。”如果说新闻业讲究的是实话实说，这可不是一个好的开端；但我有种感觉，她可能会在2010年引起人们的关注。
　　The most irritating sign-off for an e-mail was unquestionably “Hope that helps”, though at the last minute the judges decided not to award it the prize. This goes instead to HTH, a nasty little abbreviation, against which “rgds” (my previous worst abbreviated sign off) starts to look gracious.
　　电子邮件中最令人恼火的结束语莫过于“希望有所帮助”(Hope that helps)，不过，评委们在最后一刻决定不将奖项授予这句话，而是HTH——它令人厌恶的缩写。与之相比，“rgds”（我以前最恶劣的缩写结束语）都开始显得亲切起来。
　　Finally, an award for the year's top cliché – which goes to “the elephant in the room”. In the last year there has scarcely been a meeting room anywhere in which an elephant has not pitched up at some point. In leading newspapers and journals alone, last year 3,700 elephants were reported as being in rooms, while in 2000 the number was only 175. If one had to sum up 2009 in one sentence, it was the year in which elephants bred like rabbits.
　　最后一个奖项是年度“最佳陈词滥调奖”，而该奖授予“房间里的大象”(the elephant in the room)。去年，全球各地几乎很少有哪间会议室没有出现过大象的身影，仅那些主要报纸和杂志，就报道过3700头大象显身各种房间——而在2000年，这一数目仅为175头。如果要用一句话来总结2009年，那就是：这是大象像兔子一样繁殖的一年。
　
　　译者/陈云飞